Since The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom dropped on May 12, fans have been obsessed with the gameâs new creation abilities. Thanks to Linkâs new skills, particularly Fuse and Ultrahand, players are building absurdities like planes and tanks to commit war crimes in Hyrule Kingdom. But thereâs one object folks canât stop creating: cocks, dicks, shlongs, penises, wangsâyou get it.
The Week In Games: Return To Hyrule
May 8, 2023
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Critics have called the Breath of the Wild sequel a certified classic, one that makes great use of the Switchâs aging hardware. And with Linkâs many new rune abilities that let him combine objects together or rewind an objectâs place in the world, folks are letting their imaginations run wild. Like, truly wild.
Hyrule Kingdom canât escape the dicks
Link gets a whole new suite of rune abilities in TotK that replaces his old BotW ones. So, say goodbye to stuff like Magnesis and Stasis and, instead, say hello to things such as Ascend and Autobuildâtwo skills that allow Link to slip through solid surfaces and instantly construct previous creations, respectively. Mixed in are Fuse and Ultrahand, abilities that grant Link the power to combine objects together to make anything from giant mechs to pick-up trucks. And while folks are totally building these things, many players are out here just flooding Hyrule Kingdom with dicks. So many dicks, actually.
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Youâve got flamethrowing dicks, thick dicks, cars that look like dicks, dick rockets, dicks with boulders for ballsâthe list goes on and on and on. Hell, Twitter user HKSIcabb even made our Hero of the Wild ride a dickâŠraft.
Meanwhile, hideyopo crafted some mecha monster on wheels that was watering a patch of Hyrulean grass with its, um, water-sprinkling dick.
Whatâs going on? Why is it that, just a few days after launch, TotK fans are stuck on dicks? There are a few interesting theories, like a Freudian fear of castration or the notion that everything is a dick-measuring contest. Glamour wrote in 2017 that dick drawings are actually about toxic masculinityâwhich isnât all that surprising. Even Kotaku pondered this question in a 2013 blog, speaking to developers and psychologists to answer why dicks are everywhere in games. And while we came to the conclusion that drawing a dick is âpushing boundaries,â thereâs another, simpler answer here: dicks are funny.
Theyâre (mostly) hairy and (sometimes) curved. They come in all different shapes and sizes and, more often than not, function as if they have a mind of their own. Theyâre weird, serving both comedy and sexuality at the same time. And as Maxim wrote in 2015, dicks are funny because âin spite of what they signify, there is no real place for them in the world, and yet there they are.â
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Thatâs facts. Because no matter where you look online, from TikTok to Reddit to Twitter, thereâs a TotK dick. Theyâre almost inescapable now. At least Autobuild, Fuse, Ultrahand, and Linkâs other abilities can be used for something other than genitaliaâthough players are using them for torture. I guess our queer-coded Hero of the Wild is actually the War Criminal of the Wild. Whoops.
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