When Ellie Kriegerâs daughter finished college and returned home in May as a way to save money before her next move, Krieger was thrilled to have her back. Still, in their childâs absence, she and her husband had become accustomed to their own rhythm.
âWe enjoy each otherâs company,â she tells Fortune. âWe definitely missed her presence, but didnât feel the sense of empty nesting in a lonely sort of way.â And her daughter, she says, âwas finding her independence.âÂ
Soon, Krieger, a nutritionist and cooking show host, realized that the three of them once again living together in their New York City apartment would take more adjusting than sheâd realizedânot only around sharing the bathroom and figuring out dinner plans, but around shifting rules of parenting.
âIâm losing sleep because my daughterâs not home yet,â she admits. Her daughter does text her late-at-night updates, but still, Krieger says, âI donât fall asleep until she comes home, which could be 2 or 3 oâclock in the morning. I check every half an hour and would be unhinged if she didnât update me.â
âBut I see this as my issue,â she notes.
âMost challenging is trying not to be reprimandingâtrying not to say, âWhy is your room a mess? Why is my house a mess?â Just living in more chaos,â says Robertaâwho is using her first name for privacy. Her two Gen Z sons, 23 and 25, are back living at home with her and her husband after college. Sheâs also anxious when theyâre out late at night, driving, and says that her and her husbandâs own lack of privacy is a âdrag,â especially when the sons have their girlfriends stay over. Â
âThe best part is that I know heâs safe when heâs here,â Elizabeth, whose son just graduated from college and moved home indefinitely, tells Fortune. Elizabeth, who is also using her first name for privacy, says she has existential worry about his future. âHe doesnât seem to be very motivated to find something,â she says. âPlus I donât think he even knows what he wants.âÂ
These moms are not alone when it comes to balancing the highs and lows of having a child move back in after college. About a third of American young adults 18 to 24, or 57%, live with their parents, as compared with 53% in 1993, according to a recent Pew Research survey. And while 45% of those parents say the experience has been positive, that doesnât mean it comes without a learning curve.Â
âItâs a reframing,â Mark McConville, an Ohio-based clinical psychologist and author of Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasnât Grown UpâŠAnd What to Do About It, tells Fortune. âItâs âYou are now an adult ⊠and so we are now housemates as much as anything else.ââ And even with the best of intentions on each side, he says, âThere is a natural regression that occurs. You get annoyed that your 25-year-old leaves the dishes in the family room, and they get annoyed that youâre reminding them about their dishes in the family room.â
Readjusting to a childâs return is âgoing to be different in different families,â says Laurence Steinberg, psychology professor at Temple University and author of You and Your Adult Child. âNobody knows what the rules are, and nobody knows how to do this well.â
Part of that is because itâs understandably difficult to change ways of interacting that developed when they were teens. âYour child has moved back home, but they didnât turn the clock back on their own psychological development,â he says. âI think that you do have to grant them independence. But itâs going to be bumpy, because nobody really is accustomed to it.â
Below, some tips for making the transition easier.
Communicate with your adult child
âI think that having a conversation about expectations is really important,â Steinberg says, suggesting that, with dinner plans, for example, an adult child could commit to being at a certain number of family dinners weekly, and agree to give notice if plans change.Â
Basically, everyone has to figure out what they expect from one another, and then communicate it clearly.Â
McConville says that could require a bit of mental gymnastics. âSo if youâre my 23-year-old daughter, and youâre going out until 3 in the morning, why would that be my business? Unless it involves you driving my car and youâve been drinking. But I kind of sort out with parents: What really is your business? Which is not about parenting. Itâs about your right to comfort.âÂ
Regarding the issue of an adult kid staying out really late and it causing distress, as with Krieger, he would suggest engaging with the child and explaining, ââThis is my issue, itâs not about you. I donât know how to not be awake and worrying when youâre out late. And if you would just send me a text or give me a phone call, I will be able to go to sleep.â I would make an appeal to try to solicit that mutuality from that kid. To me, thatâs a reasonable request.â
Reframe the perspectiveâand get past the stigma
If youâre still having trouble letting go, Steinberg suggests this: Imagine you are dealing with a friend or even an adult sibling.Â
âWould you put restrictions on whether she can go out? No, you wouldnât,â he says. âIf youâre having trouble as a parent, try to imagine that this is just an older sibling of yours or a friend whoâs living with you, and treat them that way,â he says, admitting that it will be âtoughâ but possible.Â
Overall, says Steinberg, itâs helpful to understand that while grown kids living with parents hasnât been ânormativeâ in the U.S., it has been elsewhere, including in Italy and many Asian countries. âAnd for reasons that arenât exactly clearâmaybe because the United States values independence a lotâitâs sort of seen as kind of a failure ⊠But I think that as it becomes more widespread, itâll lose some of that stigma.â
Face the financial issue of supporting an adult child head-on
Steinberg says he is frequently asked how to deal with the uncertainty of having a grown kid at home. âThey say, âHow long is this going to go on? I hadnât planned on supporting my 35-year-old daughter,ââ he says.Â
The next inevitable question, he says, is, ââIf Iâm helping to support my child financially, does that give me any say in how they spend the money?â And I think it doesnât. Although I think that if you are seeing your child living a life of luxury on your dime, itâs fine to say something like, âIt doesnât seem like you need as much support from us as youâre getting.ââ He would stop short, though, of monitoring credit card statements.Â
McConville says parents often ask if they should continue paying for a grown childâs cell phone or gym membershipâand if the kid is capable of working and paying for those expenses themselves, he says, âI tell them that the answer is no.â But, he adds, âhow you go about changing the ground rules of your relationship, to me, is very, very important.â
A formula he suggests with parents is to first agree upon a specific, logical, far-enough away date for change that will be carved in stone. âIt might be something like, âWell, you know, on September 15, youâre going to be 21 years old.ââ Thereâs something about tying it to the calendar that tends to make the child more accepting, he says.Â
âBecause my theory is thereâs an inner voice thatâs saying the same thing, like, âOh shit, Iâm going to be 21 and Iâm just playing video games.ââ
When to worry about your grown kidâand what to do
A bit of lagging or apprehension after college is natural. But red flags may include a young person having trouble job hunting, âmanaging their life,â or taking steps to change the situation. And it could all suggest depression, says Steinberg.
âIf my child was gainfully employed in a career-related job, I wouldnât worry at all,â he says. âAnd I would see the living arrangement as mainly the consequence of a financial decision, in which case it makes a lot of sense.â But if you do feel you have reason to worry, he suggests, communicate that âgentlyâ and also âmake it clear that itâs out of concern, like, âyou donât seem yourself lately. Is there something going on that you want to talk about?ââ Consider suggesting therapy if you believe theyâd speak more easily to someone whoâs not their parent.
McConville believes itâs pretty clear when a child is truly stuck. He asks parents to think of their kid as a line on a graph, and to think about the direction of that line. Is it ascending, even very gradually? Or is it flatlining? Or descending? For the latter, he says, âtheir behavior patterns are quite evidently not productiveâstaying up maybe playing video games or watching YouTube until 4 in the morning, sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.â
To address that and encourage change, he suggests recommending an abstract principle over a specific piece of advice.Â
âKids donât want to argue with abstract principles. So you donât say, âYou have to get a job by next Friday.â What you say is, âIf youâre going to live with us, you must be doing something constructive.â Thatâs a very broad brush, but kids donât argue with it because it just makes such obvious good sense.â Make it clear that anything constructiveâwhether working or taking courses or volunteeringâis acceptable.Â
âThat is actually a method of diffusing the power struggle,â McConville says. âAnd then you have to stand by it as a non-negotiable.â
Everything is temporaryâand sometimes itâs great
In general, says Steinberg, âitâs uncomfortable for people to have negative feelings about their children.â In addition, he says, people donât like uncertainty.Â
âYou know when your kid comes home from college for the summer that, come September, theyâre leaving. But when your kid moves back in after college because they canât afford a place of their own, you donât know when itâs going to end.â And further, if you think of it as being something thatâs not normal, âthen I think itâs natural for you to feel like, âI hope it ends,ââ he says.Â
But itâs probably going to be temporary. And in the meantime, it could be wonderful: Remember that, according to Pew, 45% of parentsâand 55% of adult childrenâ found that living under the same roof has had a positive influence on their relationship. That tracks with what Steinberg heard from students who moved back home with parents during the pandemic.
âIt wasnât where they wanted to be living, but it wasnât as bad as they thought,â he says. âMany got to know their parents as peopleâand that made them closer.â
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