One aspect of life in the Lone Star State that Texans tend to talk about a lot—’til our tongues are plumb tuckered, you might even say—is the weather. If matters of a meteorological nature were removed as a possible topic of conversation here, the silence would likely be deafening. Small-town hardware stores would suddenly run eerily silent. Hayseeds and old-timers hanging around the feed and seed would be left just standing there scratching their chins, slack-jawed. Crickets! Because whether it happens to be excessively wet, excessively dry, excessively cold, or just really, really hot, Texans will, as sure as sunup, have something to say about it.
Though this summer has blessedly been a bit less scorching than usual thus far, the triple-digit dog days lurk just around the corner. High temperatures across much of the state are expected to soon hit 100—and stay there or above for the foreseeable future. Before we know it, casual conversations will be littered with all manner of colorful heat-related adages and axioms. The aforementioned feed and hardware stores will be abuzz.
And while the forecasts are sure to become skull-numbingly monotonous, the ways in which we describe our sweltering state of affairs don’t have to be. When the time comes to start letting loose with those fun and whimsical ways to describe the hellishness of it all, Texans, you might say, have it down cold.
Here are ten good ways to describe hot weather, Texas style:
1. Hot as Hades
Though the record high temperature in the underworld is unknown to anyone yet cast down there, it is presumably pretty hot, even by Texas standards.
2. Hot as blue blazes
At some 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit, the blue portion of a flame is thought to be the very warmest. If something is as hot as blue blazes, it is very hot indeed.
3. Hot as a stolen tamale
If it is as hot as stolen tamale, it can be considered to be doubly hot. Tamales are served piping hot, and slang for something stolen is “hot.” So even though this one is a bit mixed up as a metaphor, it serves its purpose well, and has for a long time.
4. Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch
Goats are known to possess voracious appetites . . . and are not known to be picky eaters. So a billy goat in a pepper patch will, naturally, consume a lot of peppers—and presumably feel the effects.
5. Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa
Simply put, if it is hotter than a fur coat in Marfa, it is ridiculously hot, both figuratively and literally.
6. Hot as the hinges of hell
The hinges in question here belong to the gates separating life and dreaded perdition. Hinges that are in such close proximity to a pit of fire and brimstone will definitely be some very hot hinges.
7. Hotter than two rats making whoopee in a wool sock
You can imagine. Or not.
8. Hot as H-E-double toothpicks
The polite way to say it’s as hot as hell.
9. Hotter than a burning stump
Anyone who’s ever burned the stump of a deep-rooted mesquite tree will understand this one well. But even if you haven’t, you get the idea.
10. Hot as all get out
Simple, clear, and to the point. “As all get out” is a delightfully versatile Texanism that can be appended to most any superlative situation. “Simone Biles is talented as all get out.” “Glen Powell is hunky as all get out.”
