When Meg Kissinger was growing up in Wilmette in the 1960s, her big Irish-Catholic family appeared fairly typical from the outside.
She and her seven siblings were good at projecting a sense of normalcy, even when life at home was spiraling out of control, she told an audience in Glenview recently. Her mother suffered from anxiety and depression — although these terms were never used at the time — while her manic father could behave unpredictably. Several siblings battled mental health problems of their own, yet they all intuitively followed the unspoken family rule: you don’t talk about it.
Kissinger decided that, even after all these years, it needed to be talked about.
Her book, “While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence,” was released last fall to widespread critical praise. The award-winning journalist spent the bulk of her career covering mental health issues, and she felt that the story of her family could highlight the challenges the country still faces with providing adequate health care for those suffering from these illnesses.
“I wrote it hoping that it would be a little beacon, to kind of bear witness to what our family went through back in the time when we didn’t know how to speak about mental illness,” Kissinger said. “I was hoping that it could lead to better, fuller community conversations and, especially for families, more help.”
Kissinger, who has lived in Milwaukee for the past four decades, was back in the northern suburbs on a Saturday afternoon last month to participate in one of these discussions at the Glenview Public Library in front of a large audience. She joined Renee Dominguez, a licensed clinical psychologist and the co-executive director of the Family Service Center in Northfield, to talk about the book along with the themes of family resilience, loss and the impact of mental illness. It was followed by a health fair that featured local organizations that provide mental health resources.
The event was organized by the Glenview Public Library as part of its “Be Well at the GPL” series this year.
“We designed a whole program series around mental health awareness and wellness,” said Janet McIntyre, the library’s manager of adult community engagement. “We felt there’s a need for this information.”
For the final event in the program, McIntyre reached out to Kissinger to speak about her book and experience growing up in Wilmette.
“We wanted a special finale,” she said. “And we’d read Meg’s book — it’s incredible. I admire her courage in telling the story. And her skill as a writer is amazing — she was able to add humor at moments when her family was really experiencing some tough situations.
“She’s able to bring warmth to the story despite the tragedies,” McIntyre said. “Even though this can be a difficult book to read, she did a wonderful job of being hopeful. And by openly discussing mental health, it’s a positive step that can help so many other people dealing with this illness in their family.”
Kissinger’s story includes losing two siblings to suicide. It forced her to confront her own inability to acknowledge issues within her family as well as the country’s general lack of understanding when it comes to problems with mental health.
“As a reporter, I went out and asked total strangers these most intimate questions that I was too afraid to ask the people I love the most,” Kissinger said. “I’m able to talk about the lessons that I learned and that my brothers and sisters learned, and what advice we have for people going through what we went through.”
She worried at first about approaching her five remaining siblings to publicize such a personal story — but it turns out they were all ready for it to be told.
“Part of it was that we’d already been dinged up pretty hard,” she said. “We lost two siblings to suicide. Especially after Danny, my younger brother, died, we had to ask ourselves, how could this have happened a second time? Why couldn’t we have done more to help him? We were all very motivated to understand as much as we could and share that knowledge with others.”
The passage of time also enabled them to view these issues more clearly.
“I’m 67 years old — the baby in the family just turned 60,” Kissinger said. “I think we just feel like, what do we have to lose? We’re laying ourselves bare, but it’s in the service of making other people feel less alone. My siblings have all been wonderfully supportive. It’s one thing to lay yourself bare, but to have your sister do it? That’s very generous.”
Cultural Changes in Mental Health
While there is still much stigma associated with mental health issues, Kissinger has witnessed an enormous shift over the last few decades. Her memoir illustrates how much society has become more open to discussing these issues.
“In 1978 when my sister Nancy died, my parents were scared to death that she wouldn’t be able to have a Catholic funeral or be buried in the family plot,” she said. “These were very real fears. There was such institutional discrimination, and I wanted people to know this was how it was.”
Those of Kissinger’s generation were reluctant to discuss these issues openly. Even after her own personal tragedies, she was hesitant to seek out counseling for herself.
“I realized that there is no shame in reaching out,” she said. “I was 62 years old before I got into a therapist’s office, which is ridiculous. Can you imagine losing two siblings to suicide and not talking about it with a therapist?
“My parents had struggles of their own, and nobody ever suggested family therapy,” she said. “We never talked about these deaths in any kind of sustained way. Once I started writing this book, I thought I’d better have a professional alongside me, because this was a scary undertaking. And it was the best thing I ever did. Who doesn’t need help sorting out their feelings when you have to plow through these issues.”
Dominguez, who led the conversation with Kissinger at the Glenview Public Library, agrees that people have become more open to mental health issues, although there’s often still difficulty in getting people to seek out help.
“We’re getting better at it,” Dominguez said. “There’s still a stigma, and that can be tough to overcome — that’s one of the reasons I think events like this are so important.
“When you’re in a crisis, it’s hard to know where to go for help,” she said. “If you can learn more about (mental health resources) before the crisis, you’re more likely to use them when needed.”
Kissinger agrees that education is critical in building a better mental health infrastructure in the country.
“There’s a lot of things we could be doing better,” she said. “But I do believe mental health education is the key. I would write these stories on mental health for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, and parents would call me frantically looking for help. They didn’t know where to turn. I always felt like that was a stinging indictment on how mental health is treated in this country.”
The success of Kissinger’s memoir has meant that she’s devoting more time than ever to these issues today.
“Three times a week I’m on the phone with someone talking about this book and the mental health system in this country,” she said. “This has launched me on another kind of path, and it’s very rewarding. I can tell you, there are a lot of people interested in making sure we do a better job in getting people the help they need.”
