Dear Eric: I don’t know if you are interested in follow-up letters, but here goes. I’m the grandma who was told she was folding her son-in-law’s T-shirts wrong.
I had a conversation with my daughter one morning when we were out hiking. She confessed that she, too, had been told she folded his laundry wrong. Together we decided I would no longer do his laundry but continue the rest I had been doing.
It was good food for thought to read your response, as well as some of the comments. What I didn’t explain originally was that I don’t go in the parents’ bedroom, I run a load of whatever is in the washer when I arrive. My daughter expressed her appreciation for the (very few) things I do besides getting the twins ready for daycare.
I did take one long weekend (as several commentators suggested) and the parents were responsible for getting the kids up, dressed and to daycare without me for several days. It was mostly the twins who were so glad to see me upon my return. They like our laid-back mornings.
After our conversation, my daughter got her husband his own laundry basket and he now does his own laundry. She also got a basket for the twins’ socks, and I no longer spend time matching socks. They love picking their own socks out in the morning and nobody cares if they match or not.
– No More Laundry Blues
Dear No More Laundry Blues: I am absolutely thrilled to read this. And I’m certain that many readers will be, too – I received an overwhelming number of emails about your situation. We were all up in arms. Thanks for the update.
Dear Eric: I am the oldest of three and my parents are in their late 70s. I have two daughters, 32 and 28, as well as many nieces and nephews.
Over the years, my husband and I supported and acknowledged all the special life events of my parents, siblings, their children and now grandchildren. My daughters moved to cities far away to start their careers. Thus, they didn’t always make it to all the family gatherings at holidays.
One daughter was just married in a small ceremony near her city. Only 30 people in attendance including nuclear families on both sides. On the week of the wedding, not one family member reached out with any words of congratulations to me or her.
A month post-wedding, not one family member has sent any notes, cards, gifts or anything to acknowledge the occasion. I feel deeply hurt and have not reached out to anyone either, expecting them to make the first move. I don’t understand their behavior and it’s really hard not to have negative feelings toward them. Any advice on how I can feel better about this?
– Wedding Blues
Dear Blues: The role of Paul Revere in a family – declaring news, acknowledging life events – can become a burden when that energy isn’t reciprocated. It’s frustrating. You’ve put in this work as a labor of love and connection. So, not getting that love back feels like rejection.
Some of it may be a skills issue: your family may not be as good at acknowledging special occasions as you are or may not put the same value on it. As is the case with sending thank you notes for gifts, sometimes we have to let our loved ones know what kind of communication is meaningful to us.
This is an added layer of effort for you, yes, and it’s not fair. But proactively speaking up about our needs can be a building block for healthier relationships down the road.
I’m also curious if you sent out wedding announcements prior to the big day or photos afterward. Sometimes people need a little prodding to keep track of others’ special times, especially if they’re not posted on social media. It’s not gauche to let your family members know the good news and invite them to celebrate with you from afar.
Dear Eric: I am a trauma therapist, and I have another solution for “Earthbound Wife”, whose husband took flying lessons even though she still has trauma from her first husband who died in a plane crash. She should find a licensed therapist with training in either EMDR or Brainspotting. She can process her trauma, and she will no longer be “triggered” by the painful memories. The memories will remain, but the emotional hurt will be neutralized. She will then be able to handle her husband’s flying lessons in a more logical, rational way. (I have been doing this trauma work for 14 years.)
– Experienced Therapist
Dear Therapist: Thank you for bringing up EMDR! I know many people who have found it enormously beneficial.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
