Husband’s sister invades social plans

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law’s husband passed away several years ago. Over the years, my husband and I only saw them occasionally for holidays. A year after her husband passe d away, she suddenly announced that she would be moving back to her hometown where we reside.

She purchased a home in a 55+ community 15 minutes from our home. As a result of her being now in very close proximity to us, we feel obligated to invite her on family vacations, dinners out and other family activities and outings.

We expected she would establish new friendships and build a new life here but we have become her primary source of companionship.

I would like to spend more time with my husband now and not have to always include her every time we make plans. It’s becoming an issue in my marriage.

Additionally, her health is declining and she may be thinking we’ll also provide elder care as she ages.

I don’t want to appear callous and uncaring but I did not expect a threesome at this stage of my life. How can we tactfully let her know how we feel?

— Three’s a Crowd

Dear Crowd: Even though you felt it was an obligation, you did become her de facto social director so it’s not unreasonable that she’s been slow to fill out her own dance card.

So, stop. Plan a vacation or night out and let her know, “We’re going away and we just want some time for us. Are there some events happening in your community that you think you’ll enjoy?”

Ask her directly about how she’s acclimating. Moving into a new place, especially after the death of a spouse, can be a jarring adjustment. Don’t be shy about talking through her efforts to make friends and establish her life. She may need the extra push.

Even more importantly, you and your husband should talk with her about her long-term care plans. Does she have a financial plan in place? Does she have long-term care insurance? What are the resources in the 55+ community that she can avail herself of? What is her financial situation? Has she thought about medical directives?

She should do some thinking about how she wants to spend the next decades because help won’t just appear. Have the conversations now so that no one has assumptions or expectations and your sister-in-law is able to proactively make a plan and ask for help when needed.

Dear Eric: Unfortunately, I will soon be divorced after a 50-year marriage. It was mostly very good. We raised and homeschooled and launched seven marvelous human beings! But our relationship began to break down after an empty nest and retirement. That is what it is.

I have known my brothers- and sisters-in-law for those 50 years. I have grown very close to some of the brothers-in-law, particularly. During this excruciatingly slow demise of our marriage, I have avoided family reunions on her side.

After the divorce later this year, I would like to resume attending the major family reunions and include visits to my ex-in-laws from time to time.

I know that if I hint at my willingness to resume such visits, they would graciously respond and invite me. But how do I negotiate the actual long weekend of a family reunion with possibly dozens of my direct descendants and as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children and, of course, my ex?

I will be warmly welcomed by all of my ex in-laws, but my ex-wife and I have descended into almost no interchange, and what little remains is cold and perfunctory. I wish to maintain these lifelong relationships, what are some guidelines and approaches that I might use?

— In with the Exes

Dear In: Your ex-wife doesn’t “own” her family but it is her family of origin and so you have to overcome the coldness between you and ask her how she’d feel about you coming.