Dear Eric: We have a dilemma that may seem trivial but it’s driving us crazy. We’re fortunate enough to have a vacation house on a small island. Water is kind of expensive, relatively. While we love to host extended family, one older relative horns in to do the dishes by hand although we have an excellent dishwasher.
The hot water waste is incredible, it’s left running while the person talks and tells stories. And they’re slow to boot. We’ve gently tried to redirect them. “Don’t want to burden you.” But they respond it’s “something they can do to help out.” They dismiss that the machine is more efficient.
No other chores make sense due to physical limitations, and they decline just socializing. It burns to acquiesce to money cost and environmental cost to coddle a person’s self-esteem. We’re even trying to figure out a fictitious reason to build a boundary. Any ideas for changing an older person’s stubborn beliefs that accrue cost to us?
— Waste Water
Dear Water: There’s a classic Shel Silverstein poem, “How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes” in which the instruction for avoiding the chore is simple: do such a bad job, they won’t let you do it anymore. Ironically, you’re facing an opposite problem: this person is doing a bad job and won’t stop.
This may not be a self-esteem issue or stubbornness. This could be a person genuinely thinking they’re helping, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. Try not to pin too much on age, also. Let the actions speak for themselves, not a generation.
Gentle suggestion didn’t work, so you’ll need to be firmer about your boundary. A sign on the sink reading “no dishwashing, please. It costs too much” might be clear enough. Or even a direct conversation stating that you appreciate your relative’s generosity, and you don’t want them to feel unwelcome, but you are not allowing anyone to hand wash dishes in the home anymore and you’ll feel disrespected if these wishes aren’t honored.
The relative might protest, or feel hurt, but it’s not unkind to advocate for what you want. Hospitality is as much about what one thinks should happen as it is about what the guest or host needs. You’re providing a welcome home and clear parameters. Your relative needs to stop running roughshod over you or risk being thought rude. No is a complete sentence, even in response to a supposedly nice gesture.
Dear Eric: I have a friend who is an angry and impatient driver. On a recent trip, he was the driver, and it was a very stressful experience for his passengers. He cursed at other drivers, slammed on the brakes, yelled loudly in the car.
He is also the type of person who is impatient with wait staff, grabs the change out of a cashier’s hand, complains about parking, gets huffy about too many people in a store and gets very angry when he is asked to calm down. Normally, other members of our party try to ignore it or just say “that’s who he is”, but after this last trip I’m wondering if you can give some suggestions on what we can say and how we can behave when we are uncomfortable with his behavior.
— Calm Friend
Dear Calm: Respectfully, I’m not sure why you’re still friends with this person. This isn’t a dig at you. Rather, this person’s behavior is blatantly antisocial and concerning to boot. It’s hard to see an upside to the friendship.
This could be the result of a psychological or emotional issue. If so, help is available if he’ll accept it. Try speaking to him about it at a calm moment. Acknowledge his feelings — frustration, anger, et cetera — while also letting him know how his behavior is impacting those around him. “When [x] happened, I felt scared/stressed/uncomfortable. It’s concerning to me, and I feel it’s negatively affecting our friendship. When we’re together, I want to feel [x] instead.”
You can also use this opportunity to set a non-negotiable limit to what you’ll be a party to. If you don’t feel safe riding in a car with your friend, say that. And follow that statement with action. Don’t get in the car.
If you feel that it’s inappropriate to treat servers brusquely (which it is) and you won’t be dining with him if he does that, tell him that, too. Urge him to talk to a professional, either via one-on-one counseling or in an anger management support group online or in person.
He may not see his anger as a problem. He may see it as a legitimate response to a world that hasn’t lived up to his expectations. That’s within his right, but his actions have repercussions and it’s important to let him know about them and give him the chance to change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
