“Helicopter” mom keeps grandkids from grandparents

Dear Eric: For the past 10 years we have always “been there” for our grandchildren (now 18 and 16) and my son and daughter-in-law.

In the past two years, things have changed. We have sent the grandkids cards, asked them to various events, and sent weekly texts. Most go unanswered, as if they are entitled. So, I recently sent them a text and gently reminded them to 1. respond when spoken to, 2. respond when they receive a text, 3. acknowledge cards and letters, and 4. generally respect family ties and elders. Basic social skills that they should have learned by now.

This recent text seems to have driven a wedge between my daughter-in-law and us. She has since restricted my texts/communications with the grandkids. Her statement is that the kids “are too busy.” They don’t have time to say “thanks” or even acknowledge or respond back to anything.

My son has gone underground, and we have not heard from him, or see where he stands on this. My daughter-in-law is a “helicopter mom” who is involved in every aspect of the kids’ lives. It seems that my daughter-in-law’s outburst and overreaction may have been bubbling up for a while.

— Restricted Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: Unless your son is in the CIA, or an actual mole, he needs to come join the rest of you and work through this family issue. You can help this along by reaching out to him directly and saying, “I think we got our wires crossed; can we talk about it?”

I doubt it’s a secret that you think of your daughter-in-law as a helicopter mom, so it’s likely her outburst was, as you suspect, the result of a most longstanding set of gripes and perceived slights.

And it’s hard to read tone over text, so your reminder to your grandkids probably came across as you disciplining her kids. For her, that crossed a line, and she set a boundary.

The way out of this is to have a face-to-face conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Ask them if they feel you overstep or don’t respect their parenting. And listen to what they have to say. Then, express your hope for your relationship with your grandkids. You have an unmet expectation that’s crashing into another narrative that’s going on in that house. You won’t untangle it until you’re able to talk about what’s really important to each of you and what everyone’s boundaries are.

Dear Eric: I need advice from an outside perspective on how to handle my future sister-in-law. She’s always taking pictures of family/friends but always seems to exclude me.

At church, she wanted a picture of my fiancé and their mother; I understand she only wanted them in the picture. But even my future mother-in-law suggested that she take one, including me. She didn’t, of course, and that’s OK, to a point.

This isn’t the only time she has snubbed me. Her daughter recently had a baby and I asked to be included in her baby shower, but, somehow, I was overlooked and it was never mentioned again.

I did give her a gift, after the fact, but it had sat there for over a month, since I wasn’t included in the shower.

At their mother’s birthday party last year, she took pictures with, and of, everyone. Except me. There must have been 75 people, so I can see how she could overlook me.

I’m just not sure how to handle being snubbed by her. My fiancé never mentions her behavior and almost seems oblivious. I realize how other people treat you is more reflective of their character, but it still makes me feel left out. Do you have any suggestions for me?

— Out of the Frame