Asking Eric: Workplace ignored husband’s death

Dear Eric: When I hear of a death in the family of someone I know, I send a sympathy card. I appreciated the many cards I received when my husband died, and one kind friend donated to a charity we support.

But when my mother died two years ago after a long incurable illness, I received just one card from a friend, and only a few verbal acknowledgements where I work.

I’ve seen email thanks from other employees for gifts and flowers they received from the company for births and minor illnesses, but I feel hurt and unappreciated that I didn’t receive even a sympathy card.

It seems in this workplace we don’t acknowledge death; are flowers or a small donation to the charity we mentioned in Mom’s obituary, or even just a tangible sympathy card, expecting too much from one’s employer? I haven’t expressed my disappointment to my management team, but I still feel hurt and think about quitting. Are my expectations unrealistic?

— Unacknowledged Grief

Dear Grief: I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother and your husband. Grief is hard enough to navigate on its own; worse when you feel like no one sees it.

You write that you only received one card from a friend, so I’m curious if your feelings about the lack of acknowledgement from your workplace are being magnified by a more amorphous pain around lack of acknowledgement from your friend group.

That is to say, grief latches on to what’s available. Both slights can hurt, but going into the office every day and thinking about what you wished had happened, might put quitting at the top of your mind. Your expectations aren’t unrealistic — we’re humans, even when we’re clocked in, and we should be shown empathy and kindness. But in lieu of quitting, talking about your feelings in grief counseling or a grief support group.

When you’re ready, consider talking to your management team about how the workplace can better support other grieving employees going forward. They can’t fix what they didn’t do for you, but, if you have the capacity, you can help change the culture for others.

Dear Eric: I have a friend, “Sara,” who has been very good to me and my family over almost 30 years. Both she and her husband have been generous to us in many ways.

My friendship with Sara, however, has become strained over the past few years, since our retirement. While we both have more time to spend together, I’ve felt it necessary to distance myself due to her increasing inability to listen to anyone else speak.

She is totally involved in herself — her hair, her clothing, her activities, her cooking, her dogs, her trips, her family — with never a question about me or a chance for me to get a word in edgewise.

She has always been somewhat self-absorbed, but it has become much more prevalent lately.

This makes me sad, especially because she has been so generous and because I really do like Sara. However, she is extremely sensitive and prone to crying, and, while I’m having a hard time dealing with the way our relationship is, I’m reluctant to bring up this topic.

We do see each other occasionally, and I grin and bear the chatter, but it’s becoming more of a chore than a pleasure to spend time together. I just would like to know whether I should say anything, or just let the friendship continue as is while continuing to distance myself as much as possible.

— No More “Me” Talk

Dear Talk: The landscape of friendship will shift and change over time and, often, in order to preserve the friendship, we have to redraw the map. This longstanding trait of Sara’s understandably grates and it’s going to become a resentment for you if you try to grin and bear it.