Not being hip, trendy, fashionable, or avant-garde, I find that much of what is popular today is over my head. Starbucks is not only over my head but contrary to a personal value that I hold dearly: frugality.
Six bucks for a Cinnamon Dolce Latte?
What the heck is a Cinnamon Dolce Latte?
I have no idea what it is, although I’m 100% Italian, have had espresso in Italy, and had a dear nonna who lived in a community of Italian immigrants in St. Louis and would make breakfast for me as a kid.
One breakfast dish was simple but very tasty. Nonna would toast a slice of bread, put chunks of sweet butter on it, and fold it over so that I could dunk it in a cup of double-brewed coffee, with its potency diluted by sugar and cream. Mmm!
Starbucks would pretentiously call it Pane Abbrustolito la Crema and charge seven bucks.
If you think that’s absurd, a recent Wall Street Journal story suggested otherwise (August 24, 2024, “What’s Wrong with Starbucks?”). It wasn’t meant to be funny but was hilarious.
The first hilarity was the claim that “Starbucks began as a vehicle to bring Italian-style espresso to Americans.”
Actually, it’s nothing like the way that Italians used to drink espresso in Italy. Typically, they would stop at an espresso bar on the way to work, order a demi-cup, drink it in one gulp, and then exit.
Another hilarity was a Starbucks customer saying that breakfast at the chain seems healthier than fast food. In fact, it’s loaded with fat, sugar and calories. Does the guy think that the White Chocolate Macadamia Cream Cold Brew is health food?
Still another hilarity was a former Starbucks customer complaining that he was spending $150 a month at the chain and now buys coffee at a place where it’s 25 cents cheaper.
It’s not funny at all, however, when his spending is juxtaposed with news stories about Americans barely getting by, not keeping up with inflation, and not having much in retirement savings.
If Americans would forgo spending $150 a month at Starbucks and invest the money instead, they would have about $89,000 in savings in 25 years, assuming a compound 5% return on their investment. Of course, inflation and taxes would eat into that, but the point still stands on the value of saving over frivolous spending.
The WSJ story discussed the long wait times and high costs at Starbucks’ outlets, due to the complexity of serving so many varieties of drinks and catering to customers’ fetishes (my word). The story included this line: “I’ll have a venti cold brew with three pumps of caramel syrup, vanilla sweet cold foam, blended, with whipped cream.”
Now that’s funny!
Even funnier are the wannabe coffee connoisseurs who extol the taste of gourmet coffee beans and special roasts. Then they mask the taste with syrups, flavorings and cream. That would’ve been like me putting ketchup on the delicious ravioli that Nonna would spend two days making.
With all of the added ingredients, Starbucks coffee would taste the same if it were brewed with kidney beans instead of coffee beans.
Granted, masking the taste of Starbucks coffee is understandable. I drink my coffee black, and the first time I tried a black coffee at Starbucks, it smelled like burnt engine oil.
Then there are the strange ordering protocols. For example, when I ordered that black coffee—or whatever pretentious name that Starbucks gave to a black coffee at the time—a barista with a nose ring and ear lobe saucers asked if I wanted rum at the top. It turned out that he wasn’t actually asking me if I wanted rum. He was asking if I wanted “room” at the top, but the way that he pronounced “room” sounded like “rum.” Not knowing that, I replied, “Thanks, but I don’t want any rum in my coffee.” Looking at me like I was a Philistine, he explained in exasperation that he was asking if he should fill the cup to the top or leave room for me to add cream.
The WSJ story said that Starbucks is opening outlets that are for drive-thru only and thus don’t have seating areas inside. It went on to say that “A big part of longtime leader Howard Schultz’s vision for Starbucks was ambience—making its cafes a ‘third place’ between home and work, where you could sink into a couch with an espresso, a book, a laptop.”
That’s the last place I would want to sink into a couch with an espresso, a book, or a laptop. Even the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York City would be better.
In any event, Starbucks and its hip patrons wouldn’t want a gauche person like me to detract from the ambiance.
Speaking of hip patrons, the comedic movie “Best in Show” has a great scene of a yuppie husband and wife talking about how they met. Dressed in J. Crew, she would sit at a Starbucks while using her Apple laptop. Also wearing J. Crew, he would sit at a Starbucks across the street while using his Apple laptop. Noticing for weeks how alike they were, he walked across the street one day and said hello to her.
Starbucks recently announced that its new CEO is not going to move to Seattle, where the company is headquartered. He’s going to continue living in southern California and will fly as necessary to Seattle on the corporate jet—this while heading a company that pretends to care about climate change.
Apparently, hypocrisy is a secret ingredient in Starbucks coffee.
So, what coffee does an unhip person drink? In the evening before retiring, I put water and Maxwell House Medium Roast coffee into a Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker. In the morning, I turn on the coffee maker and then have a cup of coffee a few minutes later. No driving to Starbucks, no waiting in line, no calories, no room at the top, no paper cup to waste, and no pretentiousness—all for a cost of about 50 cents.
I use the time that I save for exercising. And the money that I’ve saved over the years by not being hip, trendy, fashionable, and avant-garde has led to a comfortable retirement.
Being unhip has its advantages.
A resident of Tucson, Mr. Cantoni cannot be reached at Starbucks but can be reached at [email protected].
