Dear Eric: Mid-pandemic, my family and I moved to my husband’s hometown, hundreds of miles from our old city. It was a very difficult transition for me. I am a stay-at-home mom and the opportunities to meet people were very limited because of the pandemic.
However, about a year ago, I met two other moms with young children in the neighborhood. We became very close and now spend two to three days together every week, at the library, playground, or each other’s houses.
Meeting them was truly a lifesaver, giving myself and my children opportunities to socialize and pulling me out of my loneliness and depression.
However, my husband does not approve of these new friendships. He has come up with every excuse why we shouldn’t spend time together – their children misbehave and are a bad influence on our children (they act typical for their age, like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum); they make a mess of our house (which our children also do, with or without them); and their husbands have ill intentions toward me (which is absurd).
He even went so far as to ask his friend to come supervise when one of my friend’s husbands picked their kids up from our house when she was not there. I love my husband and want to have a happy and harmonious home. However, I value these friendships greatly and believe they make me a happier person, and therefore a better mother and wife.
– Finally Have Friends
Dear Finally: Your husband must not have much going on at work, because minding your business seems like a full-time job. This isn’t right. He’s acting out a very misplaced feeling of insecurity and until he works on that, I doubt any friendship you have is going to pass his quixotic standards.
Tell it to him straight: It’s important for me to have friends. Without them, I struggle with depression and loneliness. I know that you want the best for me and for our kids, so you need to tell me what this is really about.
He may not have a good answer. Again, that’s his work to do. The end of the conversation should be: These are the friends that bring me happiness. Is my happiness important to you? If so, I need you to support me in this.
And then don’t entertain any further complaints. This doesn’t need to be debated. If he’s not supportive of your happiness, that’s a bigger problem. But I hope he’s willing to do the work.
Dear Eric: My son is getting engaged to a wonderful woman. They are in their late 20s. My husband and I are retired and have a limited yet comfortable income.
The bride is the oldest of two children and first to marry. Her parents are younger and wealthy. Her mother has told them that the wedding must be a large and lavish affair she has been planning for years with more than 120 of their guests.
My husband and I have told the couple that we will give them a sum of money for the wedding needs – what we can afford – and will make no demands or get in their way to do whatever they want. They are relieved.
We are unsure how this will go over with her family as they may want us to fork out all the expenses for a lavish groom’s dinner, full open bar, etc., they plan or want. I cannot count on the bride to stand up for us as her mom is so manipulative.
Our only dilemma is how much money is a normal sum to give the couple if they were a normal, average couple, not considering her wealthy situation. I am not planning to mortgage our home or hand over five figures for this.
– Wedding Gift Dilemma
Dear Dilemma: As with rings (which some traditions dictate the groom’s family pays for), there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. And that’s the good news. Give only what is financially reasonable for you, knowing that your relationship with the couple is what’s important here. Not the wishes, hopes, and elaborate plans of the bride’s family.
Tradition often suggests that the groom’s family plans the rehearsal dinner, but that also means it’s yours to plan if you choose. So, you don’t have to have a lavish affair if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to plan it, that’s fine, too. Many families will write a check and leave it up to the couple to apply it to their budget.
I think the latter is the way you should go. The couple’s struggles with the bride’s family are their responsibility and they will have to learn how to navigate it. Give what you want and then step back. Tradition frowns upon the mother of the bride shaking you down for more cash like an old-timey casino bookie.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
