Dear Eric: I have a group of three girlfriends from middle school/high school. We stayed close during college and were in each other’s weddings, etc. I have known these women for more than 50 years.
There is one person in the group that I have been consistently close with over the many years. The other two I did not and there was a more than 15-year gap in our friendships when I moved away. The problem is that I have outgrown those two.
These two always insist that we get together as a group four times a year, usually around birthdays. It is always a headache trying to coordinate schedules. They’re very difficult to deal with and inflexible with their schedules but insist on these get-togethers.
I no longer have anything in common with them except the length of time that we’ve known each other. I would like to withdraw from these gatherings. We don’t see or talk to each other on a consistent basis except for these birthday gatherings. I’ve tried to beg off in the past, but they insist on waiting for me to be available. It’s ridiculous and I’m exhausted from it. These are people that don’t take no for an answer. How do I end this madness?
– Over It
Dear Over It: Sometimes you have to be very clear that a friendship is over. A breakup, if you will. That sounds like where you are with these two people now.
But, unlike romantic breakups, which often have clear beginnings and endings, the dissolution of friendships can be hazy and imprecise. So, you’ll have to be clear about what you want.
I asked friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of the book “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections” and the Substack newsletter “Friendship Explained” for a kind but clear breakup script. “We aren’t socialized to withdraw from friendships,” Anna told me. “So, I can see why this situation makes the letter writer uncomfortable. As women, we have a lot of societal pressure to keep the peace and not rock the boat.” But, she says, you can do this.
“Be polite yet firm. Say, ‘Thanks for the invitation, ladies, but I’m unavailable for these kinds of events. While I appreciate you thinking of me, these birthday get-togethers aren’t my thing.”
Anna also said that you shouldn’t be afraid to disengage if they push back. You may need to mute the invites. “They are adults, and managing their disappointment is not your responsibility.”
Dear Eric: My husband and I dated long distance for a year before we married. During this time, he told me he had post-SSRI syndrome. After stopping the medication, he could still “perform” but no longer desires sex. He said before the SSRI his drive was fine.
While we were dating this seemed OK because, although infrequent, he seemed like he was enjoying sex. Then we got married. After 11 months without sex, we went to see a therapist where it came out that he actually didn’t like having sex when we were dating. He was never really into it. He’s just not able to feel desire anymore. He’s tried sex-enhancement drugs, Wellbutrin, herbal supplements, therapists, testosterone. Nothing has worked.
We are both still in our 20s and I am undecided about children. I’d never heard of this syndrome before, but after researching it, it doesn’t seem that uncommon. I love my husband. Do you have any advice on how to cope with this?
– Depressed Desire
Dear Desire: It sounds like marriage (and therapy) allowed your husband enough comfort to stop performing his enjoyment. Try to see his honesty as an invitation to be honest about how you feel as well.
Is sex with your husband a key component of your ideal marriage? Is sex with you a key component of his ideal marriage? Ask yourself; ask him. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Hiding parts of yourself will just lead to resentment.
It may seem like the answers to these questions are obvious, but every marriage is unique. Your letter shows empathy and a willingness to learn and adjust; that’s a wonderful gift and you may be able to use it to create the marriage that you want.
This is likely as confusing for him as it is for you. There are still a lot of unknowns about post-selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) syndrome. A 2023 study estimated that roughly 4 out of every 100,000 people who took SSRIs developed sexual dysfunction after taking them. A 2006 study put the number at 5 percent to 15 percent. He’s not alone, but he may feel like he is.
On the logistical side, your husband’s post-SSRI syndrome doesn’t preclude having kids. If you two decide to try for a family, everything you’ve written indicates he would be willing and able to participate.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
